{"id":257,"date":"2007-06-11T15:47:17","date_gmt":"2007-06-11T15:47:17","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php\/2007\/06\/11\/the_gift_of_pai_1\/"},"modified":"2007-06-11T15:47:17","modified_gmt":"2007-06-11T15:47:17","slug":"the_gift_of_pai_1","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/?p=257","title":{"rendered":"The Gift of Pain"},"content":{"rendered":"

I borrowed the title<\/a> of
\nthis post from the book of the same name by Dr
\nPaul Brand<\/a> and Phillip Yancey<\/a>.<\/p>\n

As the Zondervan synopsis puts it<\/p>\n

Pain is not something that most of us would count as a blessing; however, what it is and why we need it if we’re to live life fully is brought to light in this book.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I was caused to think about this because I have recently had the experience
\nof being unwell.<\/p>\n

\nNormally, I would think of this as being an unfortunate experience. I don’t
\nlike being unwell. I’m not a good patient.<\/p>\n

\nHowever, this time, even though the experience was very unpleasant, I felt, even
\nwhen I was still unwell that something significant (perhaps even profound)
\nwas happening for me.<\/p>\n

\nMy illness was depression<\/a> expressing
\nitself mainly in the form of severe anxiety. I am not particularly prone to
\ndepression although I have experienced a significant episode once in the past.
\nIt has been a long time since I have experienced anything that you could call
\nmore than mild. <\/p>\n

Last winter, I can remember getting out of my car on a cold and gray day. I
\nfelt dull. I had mild to low anxiety about my prospects for work. I just felt
\nunhappy. I knew if it had been a sunny day I would have felt happy. From time
\nto time I wake up and feel that familiar feeling of the beginnings of depression.
\nI fight it. I get up and do something and the feeling goes away.\n<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

Having once experienced a prolonged period of depression, I felt strongly
\nthat I didn’t want to return to that place. I made sure that I made
\nmyself active. I knew that physical exercise was a good antidote for depression.
\nSo I make sure I swim at least four mornings a week. It wasn’t a mania trying
\nto hide depression, it was just some techniques I had learnt that were good
\nfor managing it. <\/p>\n

It all seemed to work. I knew depression could return, but I thought (and pretty
\nmuch still do think) I was managing it OK.<\/p>\n

Then, one day about two months ago, pretty much out of the blue it pounced
\non me. I had experienced waking with that familiar dull feeling a couple
\nof times in the days preceding but after my morning exercise, it went away.
\nIt’s a bit like a cold. You get a sore throat and wonder if it is going to
\ndevelop into anything further. Often it just goes away. It’s
\nthe same with depression. I get those first feelings and wonder if it is
\ngoing to develop. Later I’m relieved that it hasn’t.<\/p>\n

There is always somethig to get depressed about if I let it. Work prospects.
\nWhether I like the work I’m doing. Whether I will ever get to do the work
\nI really want, and feel called, to do. What other people think of me. The
\nlist goes on and on. Most times, it is a reminder that I need to do something.
\nThere is something on my mind (often only semi consciously) that I feel I
\nshould do. Really something I want to do in order to achieve a goal – something
\nlike developing a proposal to a client or, harder still, making that first
\ncontact with a prospective client. I am avoiding the hard thing and depression
\nis my reminder. Most times I respond with some action and the black
\ndog<\/a> is
\nsent away again for the time being. <\/p>\n

This time seemed no different. I had been through a difficult experience
\nwhich made me quite angry but at the same time left feeling quite helpless
\nand impotent. The experience involved my life partner being portrayed in
\nthe media (probably the first time in her life anything she did had been
\nthe subject of media attention) in what I thought was a very unfair and very
\ninacurate. However, I thought I was handling it OK.<\/p>\n

At the same time, I am currently in the process of establishing a new
\nbusiness<\/a> which is an important gamble for me. This business is about doing
\nwhat I feel called to do – if it doesn’t work, I will feel I have failed in
\nmy life’s mission.<\/p>\n

So it was one day I woke up feeling deeply depressed. I knew the feeling
\nbut had no idea how long it would last. Would it be a couple of hours, a
\ncouple of days or would it really set in? This time, it did set in. Over
\nthe next several weeks I was on a roller coaster ride, many times experiencing
\noverwhelmening anxiety and helplessness.<\/p>\n

I ended up taking almost two weeks off work – something I would have told
\nmyself I couldn’t afford to do. Often just having to sit in a chair for
\nan hour at a time telling myself over and over again that it was OK to stop
\nand rest. I was no use to myself or to anyone else if I did not get well.
\nOther times I just had to go for a long walk just to manage these overwhelming
\nfeelings which often came on as suddenly as being hit by a truck. One night
\nI had to get up before we had finished our family meal and go for a walk.<\/p>\n

Over this time, with the help of medication and the support of those around
\nme the highs and lows of the roller coaster have levelled out. <\/p>\n

Looking at myself now, I would say I was well again.<\/p>\n

So, why is this a gift?<\/p>\n

It is a gift on many levels.<\/p>\n

At one level, it forced me to stop for a while and look at my lifestyle
\nand what was really important to me. What did I really want to achieve in
\nsetting up this new business? What did I want to achieve for myself in my
\npersonal life? Included in this level was the opportunity for my partner
\nand I to spend many lovely hours together doing things we would normally
\nthink we were too busy to do. Things like visiting nurseries and buying plants
\nfor the garden.<\/p>\n

On another lever, this experience has given me a stronger empathy for others.
\nIt has deepened my committment to the work I do – guiding others to find
\ntheir deepest purpose. It has reminded me this is my<\/em> purpose. It
\nenabled me to reconnect with my strong as steel commitment to this personal
\npurpose.<\/p>\n

At yet another level it has enabled me to experience connectedness with
\nothers on a plane we often do not get a chance to do. I decided early on
\nthat I would be honest with others about my illness. I wouldn’t say I had
\nthe flu, I would say I have been suffering depression. I was a little afraid
\nof doing this initially. How would people react? I need not have been. Every
\ntime I have discussed it with someone it has led to a deepening of the conversation.
\nOften, very quickly it leads to us discussing life’s greatest issues as the
\nconcern us personally. Have we achieved what we wanted to achieve? Is our
\ncurrent path leading us in the direction of achieving what we want? What
\ndo we think about the work we are currently doing? How do we think about
\nourselves in our work? Do we like ourselves?<\/p>\n

None of these conversations would have occured at the level they did if
\nI had not had the experience of being unwell.<\/p>\n

I didn’t like it at the time. It was awful – and I have only experienced
\nit for a few weeks. Yet, without doubt, it was gift. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I borrowed the title of this post from the book of the same name by Dr Paul Brand and Phillip Yancey. As the Zondervan synopsis puts it Pain is not something that most of us would count as a blessing; however, what it is and why we need it if we’re to live life fully […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[19],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-257","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-wealth-and-poverty"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/257","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=257"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/257\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=257"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=257"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=257"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}