{"id":28,"date":"2004-05-24T22:55:58","date_gmt":"2004-05-24T22:55:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php\/2004\/05\/24\/a_new_language\/"},"modified":"2004-05-24T22:55:58","modified_gmt":"2004-05-24T22:55:58","slug":"a_new_language","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/?p=28","title":{"rendered":"A New Language"},"content":{"rendered":"

There is hardly a more deeply rooted in organisational tension than that of the relationship between men and women.<\/p>\n

A few years ago I did a Graduate Diploma in Business at RMIT. One of the chapters I wrote for my final paper focussed on one part of this theme. As I discussed it with my fellow students it came to be known as ‘The Sex Chapter.’<\/p>\n

Here it is…<\/em><\/p>\n

The second year of the program starts with a five day workshop around
\norganisation level consulting skills held at the Melbourne Zoo and consequently
\nreferred to as the \u2018Zoo Workshop.\u2019 <\/p>\n

On the first afternoon of the Zoo Workshop Leisa remarked that she was missing
\nJonathan because he represented the male sexuality of the group.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

The final morning of the workshop was devoted to discussing issues that
\narose from the previous four days. We returned to Leisa\u2019s comment.<\/p>\n

A lot of time was then spent around gender relationships in organisations
\nand, in particular relationships between men and women in our group. The
\nprogram consultants encouraged us to speak about our feelings for each other.\n<\/p>\n

There was a rich atmosphere that morning, This is to the women present that
\nmorning.\n<\/p>\n

To my friends who happen to be women
\n<\/h2>\n

Some of you showed great courage and generosity in speaking honestly and
\nopenly. Barb, you told of having sexual dreams involving Steve and sending
\nhim poems via email. Cathy, you spoke about taking, for the first time in
\na long time, the risk of showing off your attractiveness and your feelings
\nof rejection after being dismissed by Jonathan. It was a moving time.\n<\/p>\n

We men, however, were silent.<\/p>\n

At the time, I was aware of incredibly strongly conflicting feelings. In
\none way, I thought I could escape the dilemma of participating in this discussion
\nbecause I had spoken at a previous workshop of my strong feelings toward
\nNaomi and had reaffirmed them that morning. But I knew that was only an
\nexcuse and, there was a part of me that wanted to offer something of my
\nself, my male self, to you, my friends in the group who are women. I could
\nsense that you wanted something from us, some indication that we really
\ndid love you, we cared about you and respected you. And I wanted to give
\nit. But I didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Speaking later about the workshop in a one on one with Naomi she said, \u201cWhere
\nwere the men in that discussion? Where were you? Where was your generosity?\u201d
\nAt the time, I thought that I was holding back out of fear for what might
\nhappen if your pent up anger was released on us. I imagined a scene of carnage.\n<\/p>\n

I wanted to be really honest, and to give something of worth. To do this,
\nI, or any other of the men, would have to speak about our physical attraction
\nto you, the women around us. We know only one way to talk about your bodies
\n\u2013 the locker room language \u2013 where we emphasise our desire to
\nhave power over you by reducing you to objects to be graded, used and discarded
\nby us. Even though this is not the way most of us actually think about you,
\nit is the only way most of us know to speak about your physical beauty.
\nIt is vulgar, coarse and derogatory. It is also something for which most
\nof us carry a great deal of guilt.<\/p>\n

Gary Brooks has written about this in his book, \u2018The Centerfold Syndrome\u2019.
\nHere is some of what he says<\/p>\n

\u201cOne might think that since girl
\nwatching was such an emotionally draining experience, guys would spend considerable
\ntime talking about it, questioning its value, speculating about its causes,
\nwondering about alternatives. This was far from true. Although I can remember
\ncountless hours spent talking about beautiful female bodies, I can\u2019t
\nremember a single conversation in which any of us seriously questioned the
\ninevitability of girl watching. It would have been nice to have had a forum
\nfor open exploration of this and many other aspects of our lives, but asking
\nquestions and sharing insecurities was not a big item among my young male
\nfriends.\u201d <\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So in speaking our thoughts, we are afraid of your anger towards us. The
\nwords spoken by \u2018Christine\u2019 at the story telling workshop we
\nread about in the course readings, were the words I feared I might hear:<\/p>\n

I chickened out.
\nYou didn\u2019t get the knife in the throat
\nYour hair ripped off your head
\nYour prick flung limp to the floor.
\nI didn\u2019t even tip you off the chair
\nWhere you sat
\nCock sure
\nSoft Irish brogue still lilting
\nWith your tale of travelling
\nYour man\u2019s story
\nA so called hero\u2019s journey
\nInto pus poverty.
\nHere you get your slick badge
\nCheap with \u2018different\u2019 women
\nMore easy going
\nLoosely inhibited lithesome
\nChildwhores
\nServing, starving, conned and tricked
\nBy tradition
\nSoft sister
\nI didn\u2019t act
\nBut you may strip the sham
\nOf European privileged aftershaven
\nWarriors
\nAnd swallow his raping pillaging soul
\nAlong with the spunk
\nDo not jest thou pallid man
\nBeware of wounded women<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There is perhaps no conflict felt more deeply on the face of the earth than
\nthe conflict between us as men and women. Most of you and many of us attribute
\nthe majority of the blame for this conflict on our shoulders. This is why
\nI thought I was afraid of on that last morning of the workshop.\n<\/p>\n

A different view
\n<\/h2>\n

However, now I think something a little different.\n<\/p>\n

I have spent a great deal of my life feeling guilty about part of me. I
\nhave felt bad about the way I look at women. Gary Brooks breaks the male
\ncode of silence when he says <\/p>\n

\u201cI can remember times when driving around (or in my younger
\nyears, riding my bike) I\u2019d go past a particularly attractive young
\ngirl in shorts or halter top and risk an accident through my efforts to
\nvisually follow her in my rearview mirror as she walked in the opposite
\ndirection.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I would be surprised if the men around me aren\u2019t nodding with embarrassed
\nassent as they hear those words. I still catch myself trying to find vantage
\npoints to get a better view down a low cut dress, or perhaps, if I am lucky,
\na brief glimpse of a bra-less nipple.<\/p>\n

When reduced to words on a page, these activities seem purile, and, if not
\nfor the resultant impoverishment of relationship that they cause, would
\nbe just plain hilarious. But they aren\u2019t.<\/p>\n

I have tried to make up for this by finding ways to be kind, gentle and
\ncompassionate. When I am with women, I talk your talk \u201cMen are bastards.\u201d
\nI say. I surprise you by agreeing with you. I am aware of what other men
\nare doing to you and I say so. So many times, one of you have said \u201cI
\nnever expected to hear a man say that.\u201d This makes me feel good. When
\nyou say that, I can believe for a moment that the other part of me doesn\u2019t
\nexist.<\/p>\n

I have often said \u201cI want to resign from the male gender.\u201d I
\nlove being with women.<\/p>\n

I realise now that I love being with women as a man. As Lisa once said to
\nme, \u201cThere is that energy between us.\u201d If I did resign from
\nthe male gender, my experience with you would be left empty. I now know
\nthat it is that other part of me, the part that I hide, that makes the experience
\nso good \u2013 for both of us \u2013 but by hiding it, I deny both you
\nand me the fullness of it. And I am sure that you find it frustrating that
\nI hide it when I am with you<\/p>\n

This is what I think you wanted at the Zoo workshop. You wanted to see our
\nappreciation of you in its fullness. You did want to know that you are attractive
\nto us. You wanted to know how we really feel about you. But you didn\u2019t
\nwant the power laden locker room talk. As Di said in class one night \u201cPerhaps
\nwe need to find a new language. A language that expresses how we feel but
\ndoesn\u2019t offend.\u201d<\/p>\n

This is exactly what I think we need to find.<\/p>\n

So what was I afraid of that morning? I think I actually could have withstood
\nyour scorn, although I was nervous about revealing that this caring compassionate
\nman had the same base instincts as all the rest of \u2018them\u2019.<\/p>\n

What I was afraid of was speaking a language that I had never spoken before.
\nSpeaking about the deep feelings inside me that the sight of your bodies
\narouses. Not the base feelings that you know about, but my need to be loved,
\nto be known and understood and to be cared for. It doesn\u2019t sound like
\nmuch. From what I know, you women talk about these things all the time.
\nBut we men never learn this language. We know the feelings but learn to
\nbelieve that we are alone with them \u2013 for no other men (or the boys
\nwe once were) we know ever talk of them. At least not in our everyday talk.
\nPerhaps in poetry, or art or music, but not directly to each other.<\/p>\n

So we come to believe that there must be something terribly wrong about
\nourselves. To open our mouths about these feelings in front of you would
\nnot be too bad \u2013 even though we do not know the words to use \u2013
\nwe know that you know them. But to do so in front of other men, would be
\nto stand naked before them and expose ourselves to their ridicule for being
\nalone with such sensitive emotions. It is no excuse for the way we treat
\nyou, but it is the reason. I hope you come to see us as much psychologically
\nimpoverished victims of our actions as you are.<\/p>\n

Naomi gave me this poem once \u2013<\/p>\n

All that I withhold diminishes me
\nand cheats you
\nAll that you withhold diminishes you
\nand cheats me
\nWhen we hold back ourselves
\nfor each other\u2019s sake
\nThat is no service to us either one
\nWe only collude in the weakening
\nof us both.
\n(Herman & Korevich, 1977))<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You did not withhold. We did. I hope you will encourage us to venture into
\nunderstanding and relationship with you, to let go of that which we are
\nafraid and share it with you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There is hardly a more deeply rooted in organisational tension than that of the relationship between men and women. A few years ago I did a Graduate Diploma in Business at RMIT. One of the chapters I wrote for my final paper focussed on one part of this theme. As I discussed it with my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=28"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/28\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=28"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=28"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/chriscurnow.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=28"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}